Showing posts with label Hollywood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hollywood. Show all posts

Sunday, March 09, 2008

There's Only One L.A.

I remember growing up like a lot of other kids in the 70's and 80's enjoying peace and prosperity and thinking quite astutely that the world was my oyster. Growing up in a town of 1000 people isolated me from the reality of what was really out there in the big world and how exciting it could be. Yes, until adulthood I had no idea that everybody in America didn't go cow tipping! We had to travel by car over 250 miles just to get to an airport with scheduled passenger service. We couldn't really consider old Paul Winters and his Super Cub "scheduled" passenger service even though he could boast at least four successful forced landings after engine failures. He only tore off one wing and knocked down one power pole during those emergencies. I think that record stands yet today.

There wasn't a hell of a lot of hustle and bustle to deal with in my farming and ranch hometown in eastern Montana except for the occasional traffic jam caused by old man Johnson at the one yellow flashing light in town, you know the one at the Corner Bar and the abandoned hotel. He'd start out into the only "downtown" intersection in that yellow 72 Ford pickup and invariably stop in the middle because in the distance he saw a farm truck meandering it's way through the middle of town destined for the grain elevator. So he'd sit there until the truck passed his precarious position in the middle of the intersection a couple of minutes later making its way at a blistering 20 miles per hour. Morning traffic was such a headache! Our morning commute to school never exceeded about 8 minutes and that encompassed the entire walk and a quick stop at the old fountain drug store on the way.

One of the fondest memories of childhood consistently remains the old theater downtown. It closed for a period of years before reopening and even now the interior looks exactly the same as it did when my parents went to movies there in the 1960's. I still maintain that regardless of the many home entertainment systems available out there, the only way to see a movie is to see it on the big screen and allow yourself to be drawn into the fantasy for the next couple of hours. The house lights darken as the smell of buttered popcorn wafts through the seating area. Your pulse quickens in anticipation as the sound booms through and beyond the flickering previews on the screen. Don LaFontaine, the voice of Hollywood, captures your entire attention as that voice of his pulls you into the images of the theatrical trailers presented on the screen with that signature and commanding speaking style. Nothing felt quite like going to the movies in that old theater.

I'd always wanted to go to Los Angeles as a kid but never had the means or opportunity. I wondered how neat it must be to wander through Hollywood or the streets of Beverly Hills. I'd only seen pictures of the mansions and palatial estates but wouldn't it be something to go there and meet a movie star or see the magic of a movie set! I guess it makes a mark on you knowing that L.A. represents the entertainment capital of the world (you New Yorkers can argue your point for NYC) and most of what mesmerized you in that old hometown theater had its origins in this city on the west coast. At any rate, Los Angeles seemed to me as much about the concept of fantasy as it did the pavement, people, cars, and beaches.

I finally got my chance to descend on the L.A. basin in 1990. Although it wasn't in the way I would have preferred as in being discovered as the next Clooney, Pitt, or Cruise, I at least got to see the city for the first time. I was working for a guy that hauled pigs, yes oinking pigs into a processing plant in Vernon in east Los Angeles. We loaded them at different Hutterite colonies in Montana and switched off driving sleeper team in the semi-truck so that we would make L.A. in less than 32 hours from Great Falls. I know, the jokes are just waiting to spring from your lips but I'll continue anyway communicating this redneck adventure to you as best I can. I remember looking around in Victorville thinking wow this must be it and was shocked to know that even the suburbs of L.A. still waited some 20 miles in the distance.

We dropped down El Cajon and past the San Bernardino split and continued south on I-15. Shortly after passing the entrance to I-10 we travelled west on 60 or the Pomona freeway. About 45 miles later I got my first really good shot of the Los Angeles skyline, kind of like that early morning scene featuring Richard Gere in "Internal Affairs." I guess Los Angeles isn't known for having the most domineering skyline in comparison with other cities but for a small town kid like me it was still pretty cool. I remember arriving in that area at about 2:00 in the afternoon and the term concrete jungle finally took on a reality it never had before that day. The 60, I-5, I-10, the 101 all came together and twisted over and under like cornonary arteries feeding pulsating heart muscle. One wrong move and we would have been stuck as some of those neighborhoods down there didn't afford a lot of room or patience for truck movement and emergency manuevering.

You had to be in the proper lane to make the Soto Street exit and God forbid if you missed it. California interstate exits and on-ramps aren't necessarily designed for large vehicles to make a quick exit and turnaround on. The pace of traffic and precise handling required force you to be at the top of your driving game. Some of the corners are tight to make with that trailer coming around and car traffic views you with contempt and disgust. We make a left on Slauson or Vernon I don't remember which and enter the cramped parking lot, back up to an unloading chute, and offload our smelly squealing cargo that by now are quite grumpy after having ridden in a trailer for 1500 miles. Yes, after unloading I donned coveralls and shoveled over 1300 pounds of pig waste from the trailer so that we could load a legal load of cattle later in the week. I remember leaving the Farmer John's plant and traveling north on I-5 up past Dodger Stadium and seeing all the signs along the freeway indicating the exits for Burbank. Up over the grapevine and into the south end of the San Joaquin Valley and Los Angeles is a distant memory in the past. It was exciting to see and a little scary too. I felt ill-equipped to match the pace with which people seemed to live.

Since that first trip in 1990 I've made many like it over the past 18 years into the L.A. basin. I've hauled flatbed loads of decorative moss rock into Rolling Hills Estates near Lomita and plastic pipe from Ontario to Yakima, WA. I've delivered onions in Commerce at 3:00 am and I've hauled malt barley from Spiritwood, ND to the Miller Brewing Company in Irwindale. I've delivered barley to Anheuser Busch and lumber to a small yard in Van Nuys and loaded roofing granules in Corona destined for Owens-Corning in Portland, OR. It's still exciting to see the city and it still is a little stressful to navigate a large tractor-trailer unit there but I find myself more confident having developed somewhat of a truce with the city and her traffic.

I still marvel that I found myself in the city I wondered so much about as a young person after some dangerous and tragic times. I remember going into Vernon in 1992 shortly after the L.A. riots and seeing a cop literally on every corner. I remember the network of concrete overpasses that collapsed just north of the Santa Clarita exit several years ago. I passed under what had collapsed only days before that quake. I was in the city the day the Alaska Airlines flight plunged into the Pacific after unsuccessfully trying to navigate the damaged plane to LAX. It doesn't really mean anything to anyone else but I've developed my own bond with L.A. I've yet to be discovered, meet a star, stare at the ocean from the Santa Monica pier, or wander the streets of Beverly Hills but it really doesn't matter. To me there will always be only one L.A.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Goofier Than a Peach Orchard Boar


Yes indeed, I too watched in dismay as Tom Cruise spewed the most wretched and nonsensical hogwash in the "leaked" Scientology indoctrination video. "Paging E.T., a telephone call from Mr. Cruise." Only a Hollywood heavyweight like Cruise could accept any of the fundamental tenets of Scientology as believable. I think those of us with rational viewpoints understand Scientology for what it is, a kind of loony quasi-reality held in close quarters by a few of Lalaland's misguided and tragically simple elite. Scientologists hold as part of their dogma a spiteful disdain for the psychiatric and psychology disciplines. Gee, what a shock I couldn't tell. I'm sorry Tom but watching you in "real" life away from a make believe movie set is even more fantasy than when the cameras are rolling. Even if Scientology's founder the late L. Ron Hubbard could see Cruise, he may be calling for some Paxil to be prescribed for Tom's benefit.
It is down right scary to see how brainwashed Cruise is. Freedom of religion is one thing but I maintain the right to criticize craziness for what it is. "Tom, yoo hoo, you're crazier than a pet coon. Try to focus on what I'm saying and stop drooling." Scientology certainly isn't "religion" as defined by those of us living on Earth but it is rather a science fiction organization sort of like an all chimp Bible study on Planet of the Apes. I mean in one respect Hubbard is a genius because Scientology came about as the direct result of a bet that Hubbard made while sitting stewed in a bar in the early 1950's. Hubbard basically bet he could put a pen to paper and compose the most mindless drivel in which nothing means something and some wacko like Cruise needing something of substance in his life to latch on to would pick it up and run with it not understanding that it was all a big joke and completely meaningless matter. Great goof L. Ron!
Scientology maintains "religious" status for tax protection purposes only. They run it like a giant pyramid scam and its entire goal is to make money through sales of its study materials and other membership goodies in the goal of profit to power base. I do have to laugh at some of the more science fiction aspects of the quasi-religious cult. Thetans, SP's, KSW's, little martians with small hands and pointed teeth, and of course spaceships modeled after the late 1950's model DC-8 jet aircraft. I don't know what they are having for dinner at the Cruise residence tonight but please remember to take your little pointed tinfoil Hershey's Kiss hat off as you pass the microwave. And to think, we make Tom Cruise what he is by spending money to perpetuate his power, wealth, and craziness. Maybe Tom and old L. Ron aren't so crazy after all. "Doctor Cruise, beam me up with that little handheld bugger you used in Mission Impossible Three."

Sunday, May 13, 2007

My Panic and Dismay, Paris Goes to Jail



Will pictures like this become classics? I mean just look at her. Wholesome, shy, and seemingly innocuous. Can you imagine the parental shock and horror if this was your dining room table and your teenage son brought his girlfriend Paris over for Sunday dinner?

"Willard pass the ham and green beans. Willard I'm talking to you! Oh my! Paris what are you oh my! Junior, HELP!" The line between embarrassing and disgusting thins to an infinitesimal thread in situations such as these. If this steamy photograph originated in the Great Depression and she posed like this simply to provide food for her family maybe I'd feel some compassion. Such is not the case. Paris Hilton survives as a modern and extremely wealthy heir to the Hilton Hotel and real estate fortune. I guess she chose to bypass the responsible route. She and her apparently inattentive parents easily possessed the tools to educate her at elite universities and make her an integral part of at least one of their successful corporations. Instead they acquiesced to her desires for self-consuming and distasteful vanity.

I am so sick of seeing her on television. Photographers follow her like rabid dogs and we all need to get the "inside" story on her whereabouts, sex life, and career objectives. Why do we need the inside scoop on this bimbo? Hollywood mystifies me in how it transforms unattractive and untalented people into successful and wealthy stars. I know two girls within my block that are prettier and in complete command of their syntax and diction. One teaches children and the other takes care of sick folks at a hospital. Hilton can neither speak, write, sing, or babble coherently. She made $7,000,000.00 in 2006. Am I missing something here? Her greatest claim to fame seems to be an amateur sex tape that "found" its way onto the Internet and then the formal marketplace. She once said her graphic exploits and sex acts on the tape "humiliated" her but that was a passing emotion. She titled the tape and now profits from it. It's called "One Night in Paris." Classy isn't she? Maybe we can all watch it at Christmas time right after "Miracle on 34th Street."

Besides being overrated, she embarrasses humanity by constantly disavowing legal and even moderate moral standards. Paris was arrested and charged with DUI, she was driving two days later, violated her probation, and continued partying and acting like a complete moron in public. Her blatant irresponsibility and probation violations force the authorities to revoke said probation and sentence her to 45 days in jail. Now Paris Hilton fans everywhere (yes the idiot has fans) signed a petition destined for the California governor's desk imploring him to free poor Paris. That is a great message. The rich and powerful can simply buy their way out of personal criminality and responsibility. The rich and powerful are above the law.

But if you want to know who really holds the blame we cannot look much past our own noses. We are to blame. Why the American consumer subsidizes lunatics like Paris Hilton (and many others) is simply beyond my limited comprehension. We buy her tapes, records, and buy the tabloids. We are to blame. If it wasn't for us, Paris Hilton would be little more than an insignificant speck on the butt of society. It says a great deal about where we are as a country and culture. Personally I'd rather read a story about the life and deeds of a soldier in Iraq. I guess that is not quite sexy enough to serve our conceited needs.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Alec Baldwin Personifies Hollywood Nuttiness


Why discuss the particulars? Baldwin's unfettered and maniacal rage directed at his prepubertal daughter received national airplay at several outlets and became fodder for comedic sketches from here to Dover, Delaware. Do you remember when Baldwin nearly slid out of his skin when then House Judiciary Chairman Henry Hyde proceeded with the impeachment of Willy Clinton? Baldwin salivated over and worshipped Clinton much like the semi-retarded followers of David Koresh did at the Branch Davidian compound in Waco, TX several years ago. Not only does the American public bow in thankful anticipation to one of Baldwin's secular and frenzied left-wing political rants, we quiver in shock to find that he adheres to loon status in his personal life as well. I bet the diner where Baldwin, Sean Penn, Rosie O'Donnell, and Barbra Streisand meet for coffee and analytical comparative conspiracy theory class is awash with good times and quiet conversation. Now if we can get Tom Cruise to join in with his tin foil alien suit complete with pointed Hershey's Kiss foil hat, we have a quorum of Hollywood's most powerful and influential players. Even the mild mannered and peace loving Richard Gere finds himself with a warrant for his arrest after kissing an Indian actress in conservative India. Too bad you disavow the American way and your heritage Richard. The protections you protest and take for granted here keep you free and safe. I doubt Buddha will waddle to your rescue.
The Baldwin family mimics the Kennedy family to me. Wealth, power, and celebrity taken for granted and misused to the extreme. Baldwin's movie success (or at least past movie success) and elitist lifestyle are a gracious gift and apparently he feels no need to act responsibly either within his family circle or in front of the American public whose hard earned dollars made him rich. He complains about his ex-wife Kim Basinger's lack of coherence as a person and parent. Too bad she cannot act more responsible and sane like you Alec. Even your actor brothers find themselves inundated in petty crimes and substance abuse. Instead of counting your blessings you somehow believe that the celebrity platform equates to some sort of social legitimacy. You make Sean Penn appear as mild as a Methodist Sunday school teacher. Maybe you'll call for Robert Downey, Jr. to spearhead the war on drugs. It really seems it should be your young daughter that calls you and explodes in a tirade. At least her age and level of emotional development justifies the diatribe. I think her conversation to Alec should appear as follows:
"Dad, I love you but you are a wack job just like everyone else in my family. I have been a witness and victim to your temper and crazy verbal explosions my whole life. I make mistakes but I am growing up and learning as I go. I haven't exactly had the best examples set before me either. I think you need to spend a couple weeks at Trembling Hills and receive intense pharmaceutical interventions that I hope will bring you down to the level of at least Dennis Hopper. Why can't we just live with the gifts we've been given and give back a little, even if giving back means saying thanks and acting decent in public. I am so embarrassed by you and your actions. Mom is probably crazy too so why doesn't everyone leave the Hollywood life behind and focus on what's important like me and my growth as an intelligent and responsible human being? I know I have your DNA and there is really nothing I can do about it. So if you don't quit acting crazy I might as well start drinking and using drugs now. Then maybe we all can get along and be as goofy as outhouse rats. Bye Dad."