Thursday, January 25, 2007

Public Theft, I Wish To Be Consulted

In my hometown of Billings there appears to be a rash of theft and vandalism occuring in the dimly lit parking lot of the city's hockey team. Paying customers attend the games leaving cars in the parking lot only to return to find some sort of theft or damage done. Many complaints stem from broken windows, stolen articles from vehicle interiors, and a misguided amount of public mischief. It never ceases to amaze me. Several people actually point to the victims of criminal mischief and blame them for the occurrences giving latitude to the poor, sensitive, and misunderstood thief. Having been in law enforcement I've had my share of physical and "other" types of confrontations. Please consider hiring me and the vandalism will stop immediately.

For an invoiced fee of course, I will assemble a team of people (former law enforcement and military types) the taxpayers in the area can trust. We will be known as freelancers and have no ties to local law enforcement agencies or their excessive political hierarchies. You will not see us and you will not hear us. A citizen council will have my contact information and we will respond as per taxpayer request to persistent and unresolved areas of criminal activity that either continue to escalate or fail to receive adequate attention from overburdened beat patrols.

Take for example the situation at the hockey games. Obviously three well-positioned tranquilizer snipers and two ground reconnaissance officers end the vandalism once and for all. I am not interested in patrolling the area before the game to act as a deterrent. I want my team to hide until the miscreants begin the criminal activity. This isn't about community policing friends. It is about justice upfront and forthright for all to see. The crook begins his window bashing and theft, is shot with a tranquilizer, and dragged inside the arena to be put on public display. Once any stolen items are recovered and returned to the rightful owner, I make a sworn witness statement to police, and the local officers drag him or her off to jail. I bill for our services and we are off to the next location.

I think my first attempt at this type of public service will begin here at my home. I live on a corner lot at the intersection of what I thought were quiet residential streets. To my chagrin, the north-south street is mistaken for the Daytona Speedway during most hours and after the bars close it becomes an all-out dragstrip. I am further pleased to announce that several sloshy drinkers find it necessary to park in the street outside my house urinating and littering my lawn and driveway with a sparkling variety of used alcohol bottles and containers. I am developing the architectural additions in my attic that sustains a full and functioning pellet gun turret. The next loud mouthed drunk that makes the mistake of peeing on or littering the aforementioned property will spend the next three hours digging deeply embedded pellets from his face and posterior. Believe me, the alcohol hangover will appear mild. As for the speeding and reckless driving issue, I am developing a leafy hedge that conceals me and my spike strip from the Andretti's and Petty's in the area. Actually these bratty drivers probably get their tires paid for by their parents anyway so I will stimulate the local tire economy by forcing daddy to pay even more for his kids' tires. If I was lucky enough to hit all four tires at a high rate of speed, I may stimulate the economy further by now forcing daddy to purchase a whole new vehicle after the subsequent rollover instead of just the tires.

I hope you take the article with a grain of salt but never forget to stand up for yourselves, your family, and your property. Modern society forces us to feel guilty and helpless as victims of crime. Do not stand for it. Do not put yourself in a position to be hurt but if the situation arises stand up for yourself and turn the table on criminals in your area. Let them know they don't control you and that they can't take what's yours without a fight. Besides, sometimes it's fun just seeing the looks on their faces and watching them dig the pellets out of their butt!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

A Montana Story I Can Relate To

I hate to regurgitate stories produced in the Billings Gazette or any other paper for that matter but some of them are so darn funny I simply cannot help myself. Did you happen to catch the headline pertaining to the stabbing in Winnett and the subsequent judicial complexities involved in finding a jury from Petroleum County? Besides being the least populated county in Montana it would seem to me impossible for an attorney to ask a potential juror if he or she had heard or talked about the case in question. Are you kidding me? No sir, no maam, I didn't hear a thing about it. Come on, 85% of the potential jurors probably passed through the doors of the business where the alleged crime took place only hours after the assault. The motive for the crime is understandable and passionate. Apparently two men argued over the population of the sparse and lonely frontier town, disagreed, and the victim simply had to pay for his transgression. Why this hot-button issue of rural population controversy failed to grace the front page of the New York Times simply befuddles me. At any rate, the restaurant district in Winnett with its usual bustling population of 100, (this census figure arguably contains some pets with given Christian names) hardly resembles the million dollar mile and choices in eating and drinking establishments is somewhat limited. Yeah, no kidding the jury pool was well aware of the crime. The switchboard operator in Petroleum County probably felt the ill effects of carpal tunnel the night of the crime due to multiple calls from town to ranch and ranch to ranch.

This jury selection process nearly crippled the infrastructure and all economic activity for at least a day or two. A majority (meaning at least two) of the bus drivers reported for jury duty threatening educational chaos if not released from service by 3:30 p.m. United States mail delivery also nearly collapsed when the regular and relief mail carriers were called upon to serve the interests of local justice. A rancher and his wife (also a rancher by marriage and implication) were called and one excused so as not to threaten the livelihood of the cattle. One married couple told the prosecutor and the defense attorney they would have no trouble standing up to each other if they disagreed during deliberations. I think justice can latch onto something here. My wife would love to be on a jury with me and question everything I said all the while damning me with impunity. Maybe all juries consisting of husbands and wives would even the odds for the defendant in capital cases. The judge dismissed another potential juror, a Labrador retriever, for disrupting the proceedings with loud barks as a tabby walked on the window sill outside the courtroom. The dog also walked by the defendant and wagged his tail as witnesses testified the defendant slipped the lab a treat.

The people in Petroleum County are just like a lot of other people in rural America. It seems to me the fuss and budgeting of finding an "untainted" jury pool is sometimes overrated. Most of the jurors would weigh the evidence and decide accordingly even if they knew, were related to, or once dated the defendant. That is just the Montana way. If the system remained paranoid they could've moved the trial to Jordan or Lewistown. It just seems kind of funny that an odd event in the most unlikely of places nearly caused collapse in the criminal justice system. Perhaps the story will boost tourism to the area but I have a hunch most residents there could care less if it did or not.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

2008 Presidential Election Fatigue,,,,,Already.


Let us review for posterity shall we? The 2008 election is nearly two years away and the deluge begins. Keep reading, I'll make fun of some of the Republican candidates too. But as is my personal preference and tradition, I have to start with the Demolibs and I will make it trickle down (Reagan pun) from there.

As Gomer Pyle would say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise", Hillary Rodham Clinton announced her intention to seek the nomination for the White House via a warm and friendly fireside chat that found its way to her website. Doesn't she exude warmth and compassion? Yuck! It is kind of like letting a wolverine into your living room and asking it not to tear up the furniture or soil the carpet. Warmth and Hillary Clinton are mutually exclusive philosophical tenets. Every time I see her speak I medicate myself to control the impending autonomic gag reflex that inevitably ensues. She in no way shares an atom of the political prowess or magical elocution possessed by her morally corrupt husband. Let us agree, Bill Clinton could sell a Quran to a Methodist minister. She does share the Pelosian ability that allows her political flag to stiffen into whatever the current Beltway wind may be. Do not let her attempt to cuddle with you distract you from who Hillary Clinton is. She is about two hundred yards further left than Billy boy. This is a woman that supported legislation for late term and partial birth abortion until even the most disgusting elements in the child murder field became fidgety with the issue. Once the heat escalated, she backed away and turned the other cheek. Apparently she has no strength of conviction and that impunes any chances of sustaining integrity in the office of President. She promotes big government, high taxes, and income redistribution utilizing taxpayer dollars to fund entitlements including government run health care. Oh yeah, although her public tune may change she apparently maintains the personal opinion that womb vacuuming is tolerable.

John Edwards is really missing the boat. Why is this guy muddling about in politics instead of starring opposite Julia Roberts in Hollywood blockbusters? I forgot. He cares about you. He now dedicates his life to helping you and all the victims of misfortune get a fair shake. I mean he certainly has the background for it doesn't he? He made several lifetime fortunes suing corporations for their nastiness and latent harm committed against society at large. Oh yeah, a convenient by-product of such activity made him stinking rich. No problem there, I encourage capitalism. It just seems to me that the pot always calls the kettle black. Edwards claims there are two Americas, the haves and the have nots. Isn't it a little creepy that Edwards clamors and denigrates the very system that made him wealthy from the lanai of his multi-million dollar palatial estate? A high powered lawyer and politician that claims to understand and feel the pain of the common man. Oh yeah, he grew up as a less fortunate kid. Instead of hailing America as the place where dreams come true, he wants to change it like all liberals do by punishing those that achieve success and taking their earned money through government control and redistributing it to many who could care less.

Bill Richardson is the governor of New Mexico and a former Clinton cabinet member. He is pro environment which in liberal terms equates to the cessation of economic activity and a return to a foraging and agrarian economy like the Hopi's utilized. He is pro-amnesty and would probably pay good government money for illegal immigrants to storm the country. I do not like this guy.

Barack Obama, the African American rock star. He has no experience at all. He probably still gets lost in Washington between his parking spot and the Capitol building. He is photogenic and well spoken. If that is where we set the bar for electing Presidents, why not really change up the system? If experience, including life experience no longer fits into the equation, let's nominate George Clooney and perhaps a cartoon character like Bugs Bunny to serve as the vice presidential nominee. Bugs never got caught once by the coyote or the martian or Yosemite Sam. That ability could prove invaluable in waging a war against global terrorism.

Evan Bayh, don't know him. Tom Vilsack, don't know him. Al Gore's global warming apparently cooked his cranium and he carries far too much Clintonian baggage anyway. Besides, every time he talks he proves to me that he really is an android from a Lucas film.


Sam Brownback, U.S. Senator from Kansas, is probably the best choice for us neocons unless too many skeletons fall out of his closet. He supports small government, low taxes, anti-gay legislation, and stands against abortion. I hope against hope his camp can generate some steam. I hate to contemplate the political reality that dictates him moving to the center during the course of a campaign.

John McCain is clearly a front-runner. I like his temper but he seems unstable at times and almost flashbacky. McCain has the foreign policy experience, probably hates radical Muslims, and could easily blow back Nancy Pelosi's stiff hairdo. McCain does not receive support from me yet because he stands against the basic roots of problems in our country. He is pro-amnesty, pro-gay, and wishy washy on Christian principles that have guided this country for years. He may have more of an uphill battle than he thinks.

Mitt Romney is the sleeper Republican. He has made progress in Massachusetts, yes MA. He is working on health care, opposes Rosie O' Donnellian behavior, and seems fairly tough on military issues. If he is a fiscal conservative, he deserves some attention. I can't write more because he hasn't really stepped into the spotlight so to speak.

Rudy Giuliani deserves some attention because of his control of New York after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The praise stops there. Giuliani will not win the primary unless Republican voters sniff thousands of gallons of glue the night before the primary election. Giuliani is a closet Clintonite. He is pro-gay, pro-choice, and therefore anti-morality. Being a fiscal conservative and tough on terrorism doesn't cut it if you abandon the issues so important to the moral fabric of a country and the stewards of the conservative movement.

At any rate, take the candidates and their words with a grain of salt. Let's elect someone not on what they say but on what they've done in their past public service and private lives.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Some Montana Newspapers Are Hilarious!

Remember me piping about the mainstream media and "editorial slant"? Most of the papers in Montana have liberal leanings but I just can't help commenting on some stories that ran in the Missoulian.

One story involved the death of a burglar at a craft shop in Missoula. Apparently the man died of asphyxia after becoming lodged in the ductwork he so meticulously removed during his attempted break-in. The Missoulian reporter phrased it as follows: "the tragic result of a botched burglary attempt." Tragic? How ridiculous. Funny? Quite possibly hilarious. The story also mentioned a solid motive ceased to exist because authorities pondered what riches in the craft shop made the rather complex entry and subsequent death worth the risk. Perhaps a more fitting headline would have been, "Man Dies After Trying to Steal Elton John Quilt Patterns" or "This Guy Gave It All for the Golden Garden Gnome." To top off the stupidity, the fire department and rescue (retrieval) personnel had to further disassemble the ductwork to remove his carcass thus freeing up the possibility for free and fresh smelling airflow come summer time. I hope the craft store owner bills this man's estate for the construction expenses caused by the dead burglar or puts a lien on his Nova to reclaim damages from this act of sheer lunacy. The only thing that would have made this story "tragic" would be if the store owner discovered the burglary attempt, shot the intruder, and was subsequently sued by the burglar. If judges are as liberal as the media and other "intellectuals" in Missoula County, the burglar probably could've been the new owner of the establishment.

The second story involved a teenager lost on Mount Sentinel after becoming disoriented during a brisk January hike. Did anything I just say cause you to raise a red flag? Even one of the rescuers said and I'll paraphrase here: "The guy wasn't dressed for the weather, you don't realize the changing weather conditions, it gets dark sooner, and then you're just stuck." Oh yeah, let's just all rationalize Neanderthal behavior and then pay for it with taxpayer money. They had better bill this idiot teen's family to reclaim the expenses used to recover this kid off the mountain. I'm all for bringing him down safe and sound but if you are this dumb, you're going to repay the taxpayer coffers. You are not dressed appropriately for a hike on a mountain in January? Did you miss getting the "IT IS BITTERLY COLD AND DARK IN MONTANA IN JANUARY" memo? You don't realize the sun goes down earlier in January than it does in June? Does this kid eat scrambled eggs with his hands? Has anyone introduced him to toilet paper? I have a feeling this kid could jump out of bed and miss the floor. I guess it's a happy ending because the kid is alive but My God! How dumb are we becoming as a society and nobody complains about rewarding (the rescue itself) stupidity with taxpayer resources? That is tragic. A good headline reads more like this, "Local Search and Rescue Officials Sue Idiot Teen to Recover Rescue Expenses After Ignorant Decision to Hike in January in T-Shirt and Bermudas."

My final comment stems from MoveOn supporters protesting the war at a Missoula intersection in the freezing cold. The story in the paper referred to their actions as "brave." I don't think that is the word that pops up as I drive by in the heated comfort of my vehicle's interior, smirking at them while sipping warm coffee. I can't believe this made the papers. I am sure the Bush Administration and war architects closed the doors and went underground while the George Soros worshippers in Missoula stood in the cold railing against Bush and the Iraq War. The paper mentioned several motorists honked their horns in support of signs the protesters held that pleaded for the war's end, pleaded for bringing troops stateside, and requested the firing of the Commander in Chief. Unless an official poll indicates otherwise, there is no scientific evidence to prove all the horn honking equated to support of the protesters and their liberal talking points. As a purveyor of human nature, I'll wager that some of the conversations behind the honking horns went something like, "Hey honey, look at those dinks standing out there in the cold. Are they stupid or what? What did that sign say? I couldn't see it. Wouldn't it be smarter to just send out a mailer? That guy must be cold, did you see the snot running out of his nose?"
Before labeling these protesters as brave, let's put it in the proper context. Let's reserve that word for those that truly deserve it. I'll bet a majority of the MoveOn peace lovers have never stood a post or taken enemy fire. Let's not denigrate the ideal of bravery by bestowing it on those with little idea of its defined intention and meaning. Let us honor and preserve the term bravery for those in the field that have earned it.