Thursday, January 25, 2007

Public Theft, I Wish To Be Consulted

In my hometown of Billings there appears to be a rash of theft and vandalism occuring in the dimly lit parking lot of the city's hockey team. Paying customers attend the games leaving cars in the parking lot only to return to find some sort of theft or damage done. Many complaints stem from broken windows, stolen articles from vehicle interiors, and a misguided amount of public mischief. It never ceases to amaze me. Several people actually point to the victims of criminal mischief and blame them for the occurrences giving latitude to the poor, sensitive, and misunderstood thief. Having been in law enforcement I've had my share of physical and "other" types of confrontations. Please consider hiring me and the vandalism will stop immediately.

For an invoiced fee of course, I will assemble a team of people (former law enforcement and military types) the taxpayers in the area can trust. We will be known as freelancers and have no ties to local law enforcement agencies or their excessive political hierarchies. You will not see us and you will not hear us. A citizen council will have my contact information and we will respond as per taxpayer request to persistent and unresolved areas of criminal activity that either continue to escalate or fail to receive adequate attention from overburdened beat patrols.

Take for example the situation at the hockey games. Obviously three well-positioned tranquilizer snipers and two ground reconnaissance officers end the vandalism once and for all. I am not interested in patrolling the area before the game to act as a deterrent. I want my team to hide until the miscreants begin the criminal activity. This isn't about community policing friends. It is about justice upfront and forthright for all to see. The crook begins his window bashing and theft, is shot with a tranquilizer, and dragged inside the arena to be put on public display. Once any stolen items are recovered and returned to the rightful owner, I make a sworn witness statement to police, and the local officers drag him or her off to jail. I bill for our services and we are off to the next location.

I think my first attempt at this type of public service will begin here at my home. I live on a corner lot at the intersection of what I thought were quiet residential streets. To my chagrin, the north-south street is mistaken for the Daytona Speedway during most hours and after the bars close it becomes an all-out dragstrip. I am further pleased to announce that several sloshy drinkers find it necessary to park in the street outside my house urinating and littering my lawn and driveway with a sparkling variety of used alcohol bottles and containers. I am developing the architectural additions in my attic that sustains a full and functioning pellet gun turret. The next loud mouthed drunk that makes the mistake of peeing on or littering the aforementioned property will spend the next three hours digging deeply embedded pellets from his face and posterior. Believe me, the alcohol hangover will appear mild. As for the speeding and reckless driving issue, I am developing a leafy hedge that conceals me and my spike strip from the Andretti's and Petty's in the area. Actually these bratty drivers probably get their tires paid for by their parents anyway so I will stimulate the local tire economy by forcing daddy to pay even more for his kids' tires. If I was lucky enough to hit all four tires at a high rate of speed, I may stimulate the economy further by now forcing daddy to purchase a whole new vehicle after the subsequent rollover instead of just the tires.

I hope you take the article with a grain of salt but never forget to stand up for yourselves, your family, and your property. Modern society forces us to feel guilty and helpless as victims of crime. Do not stand for it. Do not put yourself in a position to be hurt but if the situation arises stand up for yourself and turn the table on criminals in your area. Let them know they don't control you and that they can't take what's yours without a fight. Besides, sometimes it's fun just seeing the looks on their faces and watching them dig the pellets out of their butt!

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