Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let's Start 2008 Out on the Wrong Foot

Same old bullcaca compressed into yet another dreary day. Our journey with Britney is just one of the surreal topics we'll cover. Helicopters and paparazzi and breaking news sound bytes flood the airwaves lamenting this retard and her offspring. Stupid people really shouldn't breed. As an old English teacher told me once in between cynical puffs on a Pall Mall, "she's a perfect example of why some species eat their young." I'm glad Dr. Phil made his way to Cedar Sinai to evaluate the strung out and convoluted Ms. Spears so that he too has a chance to capitalize monetarily on the insanity by perhaps booking her miraculous recovery on his own afternoon show of domineering drivel. If you find it necessary to stay glued to the boob tube watching each turn and twist of Britney's SUV, then good luck navigating in your parallel existence.

How about the Marine that killed his pregnant lover who by chance happened to be a Marine as well. Apparently this semper fi love connection went terribly wrong. The suspected killer apparently got her pregnant during maneuvers on the monkey bars or in the mud pit. At any rate once he was informed of the pregnancy the fun seemed to kind of fizzle and the balloon deflated if you catch my drift. This tough-guy Marine, not wanting his legal wife to find out about his extracurricular duties in the Corp decides that killing this woman and their unborn child, burning them, and burying them in his back yard should suffice and end any controversy expediently and efficiently. Talk about don't ask/don't tell in the military. She had reported this guy for rape to Marine Corp officials but true to military protocol these kinds of issues are either covered up or put on the back burner until the event ends in tragedy and becomes a true media circus making the commanders at this base and the military in general look like inept and uncaring buffoons.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are taking heated swipes at one another over race. Here's an idea for these two. Find an old cliff that was a buffalo jump for American Indians in years past. Since I'm a conservative it would be fair for me to be the referee. Line them up, blow the whistle, and the first one to run to the jump, leap, and hit the bottom wins. Settled. I am very disturbed that the mainstream media refuses to publicly discuss and critique Barack Bob Shiny Pants' past. He attended a Muslim school that is radically fundamentalist in Jakarta. His stepfather is a fundamentalist Muslim. His mother seems the most religiously stable and she was an atheist from Kansas. That won't make Toto too happy but not many atheists are strapping bombs to their flesh to make seagull food like the crazy fundamentalist Muslims do. We better watch Barack and make sure we're not attacked from the inside out.

Last but not least my beloved Pittsburgh Steelers were beaten during the wildcard round of the AFC playoffs a little over a week ago. My period of mourning is nearly over and the only answer is for me to be hired as the head of all football operations. I have a couple of great aunts that would be more than capable of adding improved blocking and pass protection for the quarterback than the current Steelers offensive line now delivers. Ben Roethlisberger is a great mobile quarterback that amazes when on the move outside the pocket but still holds the ball too long. Perhaps a little flash-bang device on the ball that detonates after 4 seconds would get the point across. Mr. Rooney, please draft at one point in my lifetime, just one time, a shut down cornerback over 5'6" in height. I'm not sure why the Steelers invested so little in the defensive backfield over the years but I am now quite sure that the last remaining Munchkin has been drafted and played out by the Steelers. Hire me, I'm serious.

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